The MPO Chronicles...

So I was watching some Law & Order SVU (Tracy's show) and it jogged my memory of an interesting story, and more.

Here goes.

Some background: Back in High school I had a job as a telemarketer working for a company called "Midwest Publishing" A.K.A. "MPO" I have no idea what the "O' was for in the acronym. It was probably there to confuse the Russians, which was the catch all excuse back in the day. Yes, I said I was a telemarketer. Yeah, I know but many of my best friends worked there as well. We worked from 5pm till 9pm Monday through Friday. We mad $5.00 /hour, that was actually pretty good for the times. After all the alternative was that we could "go flip burgers for $3.25 an hour" down the street at Burger King. That was true, and they never let us forget it.

The pitch: we called people "on behalf of the Ohio Patrolman's Benevolent Association" yadda yadda yadda... A gold pledge is only $45, you get everything plus a... blah blah blah... Oh, then maybe a silver pledge would be a better fit for you Mr. Jones, it's only $30. Wait, wait, don't hang-up, I really feel that you have it in your heart to make a difference for the men in blue, our Bronze pledge is only $15 and and you still get the sticker to post on your rear bumper... Well, I can't guarantee that it'll get you out of any tickets, but it can't hurt can it?

Well, the way it worked (remember, computers were still expensive in the late 80's) is that we took pages from phone books and "called them". One day, my boss "jumpin" Joe Niesch gave me a page out of a criss-cross phone book to call. Criss-cross books are organized by address, not alphabetically. So the first guy I called was some ancient codger that didn't know what year it was. The second (the first guy's neighbor) wasn't much better, and he made sure I knew that he was on a "fixed income" and couldn't afford anything. Based on the addresses in the listing, I knew I was going to be calling codgers for a while. So the codger calls went on for a while, prompting me to complain to Jumpin Joe that I was stuck calling a "fogey farm" and that my days results would suffer because of it. He didn't care and said call it anyway. Dejected and annoyed, I went back to my phone and started finishing the list of codgers a page and a half long. At that point, I really didn't care if I got any pledges or not.

The call: Still working the codger list I get a hold of this old guy on the phone and it went something like this:

Me: Hello Mr. Old Codger, I'm calling on behalf of the Ohio....

Old Codger: Hello?

Me: Hello, Mr. Old Codger...

Old Codger: I can't hear you can you speak up?

Me: YES, MR. CODGER, I'M CALLING ON BEHALF OF THE...

Old Codger: My name isn't Mr. Codger

Me: OH, I'M SORRY, WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?

Old Codger: This here's peanut.

Me: OH I'M SORRY PEANUT... I'M CALLING ON BEHALF OF...

(at this point I start cracking up laughing as all my buddies around me are watching me work the phone with this relic, screaming into the phone, I just couldn't take it.)

After much discussion with my buddies about the codger call, I made my way back to my list and continued calling it without incident (other than the fact that there was no way I would get a pledge from this page of old fogeys)

Finally, I was through the codger list. Whew! Now on to some real phone numbers.

Maybe not. Not just yet anyway.

Instead I decided to call peanut back. It went like this:

Ring Ring Ring...

Old Codger: Hello

Me: HELLO, IS THIS PEANUT?

old Codger: WHO IN THE HELL IS PEANUT?

Me: (hang up) rolled on the floor laughing my ass off along with my buddies that were listening in on the call. Maybe you had to be there.